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Friday, May 27, 2016

I Can't Wait To Meet You

If you only knew how much I love you and your aren't even Earthside yet.

So far this pregnancy has been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least.  The situation now is not ideal, but I'm embracing it and moving forward and taking it day by day.  And I'm not freaking out or worried that I won't be able to do this.  I know I can.  I feel the love I already have for my little unborn bebe and the fact that I will be a single mother does not scare me in the least.  It wasn't what I envisioned, but most of the time life doesn't end up as you envisioned anyway.  And it has taken this course for a very important reason.  There are no mistakes.  Only blessings.

The last time I was pregnant was 17/18 years ago with my daughter.  I was so young back then - 22.  There are certain things I remember, but a lot of it I have forgotten.  It's been a very long time.  And let's face it, my memory isn't the greatest.  My journey with my daughter has been the best ever.  I treasure everything we have shared and still share and will continue to share from today forward.  I look at her and am overflowing with pride.  Not because I feel that I am partly responsible for the freaking amazing woman she has grown into, but because she IS and has grown into a phenomenal woman.  As her own person.  And on her own accord. And I've been along for the ride to witness it.  And the fact that God chose me to be her mother, I will be eternally grateful.  I honestly never thought I wanted to be a mother when I was younger, but as I stated above, there are no mistakes.  And although getting pregnant with my daughter was definitely not a planned event, she was the absolute best blessing God has given me.

And up until 7 months ago, I wasn't sure if I would or wanted to be a mother to another child again.  I was beginning to think my time (or window if you will) had passed.

But I left it up to fate.  And today, I am in the middle of another great blessing.  A little baby boy growing inside of me.  I've felt such great love since I knew he was growing inside of me, but it's really starting to feel real.  I know his schedule now.  I know his movements. I know when he's going to react to what I eat or drink.  I talk to him a lot.  I tell him all the time how much he is already loved and how I will protect him with my life.  Just as I would for my 17 year old daughter.  I will do the same for him.

When my daughter was born, I was still together with her father for the first 8-9 months of her life, so I had a lot of support from him in helping with her daily when she was a baby.  He's been a phenomenal dad to her since.  And we have managed to co-parent exceptionally.

I am gearing up for this adventure to be a solo one.  It will be challenging to say the least, but I do have a lot of support with family and friends and I know things will turn out just as the way they were meant to be.  There will be a lot of sleepless nights, there will be bags under my eyes, there will be tempers flaring, there will be tears.  And there will be many many smiles and joyous laughter.  Because I know all of these things - I absolutely realize the challenges that raising a child solo will entail, I choose today to focus on the positive and the blessings and to be the absolute best mom I can be to my son.  Just as I have with my daughter.

My daughter and I took out a lot of her baby pictures the other night and reminisced.  It was so fun and such a fantastic trip down memory lane.  And the fact that I can do that with her is irreplaceable.  I look at the sonogram images of my son and imagine what it will feel like to see him for the first time with my own eyes.  What it will feel like to kiss his sweet cheeks and to see his tiny little fingers and toes and to hold him in my arms.  It seems like I was so impatient throughout this pregnancy - I have to admit, being pregnant is not something that I enjoy so much.  :/  I realize the necessity of it, but I am definitely not one of those women that adore being pregnant.  I know once he is born, there will be aspects that I may miss, but they will quickly pass.  The one thing that I do love about being pregnant is knowing my son is protected by me, his mother.  That no one outside of my body can harm him without coming through me first.  Just knowing that right now I am able to shield him from any emotional or physical pain he may endure through his life is enough to make me want him to stay in here a bit longer.  As much as I can't wait to meet him, I am also so calm and comfortable in the fact that he is truly protected 100% by me right now.  But that won't last forever.  As is the circle of life.

And in a couple of months, I will have 2 children.  Not just 1, but 2.  A daughter and a son!  It's so crazy to say that.

Can't wait to touch your sweet face, baby boy and to smell your sweet skin.  Mama's patiently awaiting your miraculous arrival.  <3

Oh and P.S., today I have officially begun my 3rd trimester going by my actual due date of 8/19.  (Honestly I think I have been in my 3rd trimester for almost 2 weeks now, but I digress).  Week 28 has officially begun!

Monday, May 23, 2016

Day 192 - 27 Weeks / Day 4

88 more days to go
per BabyBump app


Had my doc apt today and everything looks great.  They did a more in depth sono measuring the amnio fluid and placenta and everything looks perfect.  He is measuring 3 lbs and 12 days older, which would technically put me at 29 weeks / Day 2.  I got to talk in depth a little more to my doc today about questions I had and in him measuring bigger it could either mean 1 of 2 things....that I truly am further along than my anticipated calculated due date or that he's going to be a bigger baby.  I'm going with the I'm further along reasoning - just throwing it out into the universe.  Because Lord knows I don't fancy delivering a super big baby.  But either way, it's up to him when he's ready to make his appearance.  :)

I'm ordering my breast pump through insurance today and going to start checking out pediatricians.

I was surprised that I had only gained 4 lbs since my last visit.  Still overall a little too much, but hopefully I am slowing down since I obviously tended to gain most of my weight in the beginning.  Who knows though because from here on out, I know little bebe will be gaining weight quickly, so not sure how that will effect my actual weight gain.  Either way, I've come to terms with it.  Like I said before, I'll worry about getting it all off + more after he's born.  That's just one less thing I need to stress over right now.  Trying to stay calm and healthy for this little monkey is my biggest concern.

Oh, and I fell over the weekend.  :/  I tripped over a chaise lounge at my house.  Luckily, I caught myself on my knees and hands and upper arms and didn't actually impact my belly.  So thankfully nothing happened from that...I just need to be more careful with my clumsy pregnant self.  Oof.


He's positioned downwards, but hasn't yet dropped.  He does a lot of flipping around, but he's pretty much been faced downwards the entire pregnancy.

I go back in a week and a half where they will start the more in depth screenings.  Just another sono in a week and a half and the week after that, I go back for a sono and doc visit.  Then every 2 weeks after that until it goes to 1 week. :)  

Shit's about to get real, y'all!!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Prenatal Vitamins

Almost forgot...someone asked me the other day what prenatal vitamins I am taking.

I started taking Vitamin Code's Raw One for Women a couple of years ago and have LOVED them.  I have felt good taking them religiously daily and have rarely been sick (knock on wood).

So once I found out I was pregnant, of course, I switched over to their prenatal : Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal.  The only complaint I have with them is you have to take them 3 times a day, which is a bit of a pain in the arse, but it's totally worth it to me.

I think any time you have a "raw" option of any sort of vitamin, you should go that route - in my opinion it's the best option.

So on top of those, I am also taking 1,000 mg extra of Folic Acid.

I highly recommend this brand for any vitamin type.  I love them!  I will definitely be continuing with the prenatals while I am breastfeeding and will switch back over to the Raw One for Women once I am done.


That Lil Ol Dreaded BIG Subject.....Weight.

Day 186 / 94 more days to go
26 weeks, Day 5
Baby size : 14 in - hothouse cucumber
Baby weight : 1.75 lb
(per BabyBump app)

This is always and forever has been (and forever will be) an uncomfortable subject for me.

When I found out I was pregnant I promised myself I wasn't going to gain as much weight (50 lbs total) as I did when pregnant with my daughter 17 years ago and that I was going to stay as active as possible.

I truly had a genuine determination in this goal.

My weight has been steadily increasing the last few months.  At a fairly quick rate.

The first 3 months of my pregnancy was rough - and typically was hard to eat any food.  Anything healthy made me want to throw up, so I stuck with a lot of bad foods.  I just ate to eat - to keep from being sick.  There were no salads or anything involved during this time.  The only thing that I could manage to eat and keep down was bread and cheese.  Literally.  Talk about a model of health.  I did stay active and continued with yoga 3-4 times a week and started walking a little bit.

The past few months I have been able to introduce healthier foods back into my diet - I am eating a lot of salads now and generally eating better....HOWEVER, this hunger is strong.  My carb craving is strong.  My sugar craving is strong.  And I'm having a very difficult time keeping it at bay.

When I went in for my apt on 4/4, I had already gained 26 lbs.  When I went in again on 4/27, I had gained 33 lbs total.

At that rate, I'm guessing when I go in next week, I will have gained 40 lbs total, if not more.  Especially since baby is growing at a super fast rate now.  I can't bear to weigh myself at home.  I'm so ashamed and angry at myself for letting this happen.  Yoga has gone down to once a week and my effort to walk is now at zero.  And for the 2-3 months that I have felt good, I am starting to go downhill again about to enter into my 3rd trimester next week.  I'm having even more trouble sleeping now, am super uncomfortable, feeling pains everywhere with my growing belly, the indigestion is the pits, I feel sluggish, tired, out of breath and generally just a big fat blob at this point.  I can see the weight gain in my face, my arms, my thighs.  Gross.  I feel it too and I feel disgusting.

I'm having a hard time accepting that this is just how it is and to not beat myself up too much.  Once the baby is born, I will work harder than ever to get this excess weight off and to also lose the additional 30 lbs I had been fluctuating with for the last couple of years.

I was unfortunately born with a bad metabolism and have struggled with quick weight gain if I don't stay on top of it constantly.  Everyone is different.  I know people that can eat whatever they want and work out daily and they look great.  I know people who watch what they eat and don't work out and look great.  I know people that can eat whatever they want and not work out and look great.  With me, it's 90% of what I eat and 10% physical activity.  If I eat like crap and worked out every day, I would still gain weight.  If I stick to a diet and eat healthy constantly, I lose it without having to really work out.

A couple of years ago I got up to my highest weight EVER (higher than my highest weight when I was pregnant) and I vowed to never reach that again (unless I became pregnant, but still didn't want to get that high).  I lost 30 lbs and managed to keep about that much off but had a difficult time trying to get the remaining 25-30 lbs off to reach my goal weight for a couple of years.  I dipped down a bit, but crept back up again.  When I started really getting into yoga again a few months before I found out I was pregnant, I started feeling good and was on my way to finally starting to work really hard to get the rest of this excess weight off.  But then I found out I was pregnant....and here I am today.

I am working on accepting the fact that I have gained this much weight...and I still have possibly 3 more months to go (if I make it that long) with even more weight to be gained.  I'm disappointed in myself, but working on just accepting the fact and trying to manage it the best I can without beating myself up about it and just really focus on it as soon as bebe is born and really get back on track then.  I know it will help once I am not his sole life force and can really focus on just myself - my own body.  The weight gain has been disappointing, but in testing, I don't have gestational diabetes and the only thing that has really been an issue is my blood pressure, but that's under control after a small scare, so I need to focus on all of the positives instead.

My anxiety has been at bay - I haven't felt anxious or depressed, which I am proud of that fact.  I need to focus on what is positive and not harp on how much weight I have gained.  We are our worst critics though.  Staying in the positive will help the next 2-3 months hopefully go by quickly and the sooner I will get to meet this sweet little bebe and hold him in my arms.

These are probably the last photos I will post of me because I'm not feeling the photos anymore.  :(  First is from January about a month after I found out I was pregnant - I had only gained about 6 lbs or so here.  The other two are from yesterday and today for comparison.



Thursday, May 5, 2016

My Baby Arsenal (so far)

As of today, if I make it to my actual due date, I have 106 more days to go.  That's just a tad over 3 months.  If I make it to my due date, great, but the planner in me is needing to be as prepared as possible in case I don't make it that long and to make sure I have all things I need by 2 months from now, which I will just put a little time stamp on myself to have all necessities by July 4th...just in case.  Considering my daughter was born 3 weeks earlier than my due date with her and my sonos keep measuring this little fella as bigger, I just get a distinct gut feeling that I'm not going to make it that long....so just in case....I gotta be prepared.  Especially since all the planning and preparing is a solo effort.

Since finding out I was pregnant (well, and let's face it...since before I found out, I had often thought of things if I were to ever have another baby), I have done a lot of research on things I will need and the route I wish to go with this little one.

I was super young when I had my daughter (had just turned 23) and wasn't exactly wise in my young age, so I winged a lot of it.  I didn't do a lot of research and I wasn't as prepared as I am this time around.  Although, are you ever truly "prepared"? - nah, but I feel like I now have a better sense of being prepared at 40 as opposed to at 22-23 year old. I have a much clearer idea in my head of my expectations and my wants with this little bebe.  I know expectations cause disappointments and not to sound like I expect things to go a certain way, which I don't necessarily, I just mean in planning how I "see" things going and being more prepared in a general sense of how I picture things will go with life with a newborn.

I've been following lots of sweet mamas and their babies on Instagram and have gotten some really good advice from so many of those posts.  I have saved tons of sites for lots of baby stuff.  Some of which I have already purchased, some of which I plan on purchasing and some of which I hope to some day purchase.

I've registered at Buy Buy Baby and Babies R' Us.  I hardly have any items with Babies R' Us, but have found most of the items I want through Buy Buy Baby.  Plus they have a much more natural and organic selection than any other baby places.  I initially went totally overboard with my registry as I went into it a little blindly and overzealous.  But with the help of my sister (who has a just now 6 months old) and things that I went out and decided to purchase on my own, I've narrowed it down quite a bit.

Being a hippie type mama, I definitely want to wear my baby as much as I can.  I never baby wore with my daughter (is that even the correct phrase?), but I plan on doing so much of it with this little bebe.  All the research I have done, it just seems like a great bonding experience as well as something of great convenience as well.  After all the research - there are sooooooo many slings, wraps, etc to choose from (I wish I had money to buy them ALL!), I have decided to go with the Solly Baby Wrap initially for the first few months after baby is born.  I've heard nothing but great reviews and figured it was the best way to go.  Once little bebe is about 4 or 5 months old, I plan on switching over to the Ergo Baby 360, which I have not purchased yet, but plan on it either just prior to baby being born or a couple of months after.  Since I don't plan on switching until a few months of baby's life, I have plenty of time to get one.



I've also started building up my little papushka's wardrobe little by little with super cute, unique baby clothes and organic if possible.  There are too many sites to list, but I am adamant on not having a bunch of Carter's, (et al) baby clothes.  Don't get me wrong, they have cute stuff, but they are too common and too bland.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I love anything different.  My registry has all organic clothing (although I didn't request much since I kind of want to keep my baby's wardrobe under my control since I am so picky).  Buy Buy Baby has tons of cute Burt's Bees baby stuff to choose from.

I plan on breast feeding, but being a working mom, even if it does work out, I will have to have bottles available for feedings.  I bought a Tommee Tippee Ultra bottle to start with.  These just came out and have really good reviews.  I tried to stick with bottles that will be closest to mimicking the nipple. I have also purchased a mimijumi bottle to try out.  It may be my only one as they are super pricey, but I've read reviews and they are supposed to be as close to mom's nipple as you can possibly get.  I have an Ergobaby Natural Curve nursing pillow on my registry as well that I plan on using religiously.  I've already purchased washable nursing pads, cooling booby tubes and organic nipple butter for necessities.

Pacifiers : I've purchased 2 of the Natursutten pacifiers to start with.  You have to replace them every 6 weeks or so, so I will probably be getting more once baby is here and is using them regularly.

Swaddling.  When my daughter was born, swaddling wasn't really much of a "thing" like it is now.  I bought an Ollie Swaddle the other day and can't wait to use it.  I've also registered for several muslin blankets and have a few already, but I really think this Ollie Swaddle will be a lifesaver at night. :)


I've decided to go with The Honest Co. diapers.  I may end up using a different brand just for overnight protection, but Honest has the best reviews for organic diapers.  Once the baby is a little older and his poop becomes a little more "formed" (shall I say), I am going to try to transition to cloth diapers.

After a lot of research, I decided to go with the Safety 1st OnBoard 35 Air infant car seat for starters.  I hope this one works out.  I wanted to go with the UppaBaby, but they are just a little out of my price range right now, so I wanted something a little more budget friendly.

I'm foregoing getting a crib until later on.  My daughter slept in bed with me and I plan on doing the same thing with this little bebe.  Since it's just me, it will be much more convenient and easier especially if I will be breastfeeding.  I purchased a co-sleeper the other day.  I think it will work just fine.

I also purchased a dresser that a woman refurbished chabby-chic style that has a top to use as a diaper changing station.  It's super cute.  I looked at traditional diaper changing stations, but knew I wanted something unique.

That's the majority of everything I have up until now minus a few things here and there that I can't think of off the top of my head.  I plan on having a baby shower around mid-late June and anything I don't get after that, I need to run out and get before my self-made deadline. :)

I'm going to try and start adding links to the right of the page for my favorite baby sites in case anyone is interested.

I have my next doctor and sono apt in 3 weeks or so - I will be into my 3rd trimester by then!

Love and poopy diapers!