Day 96 - 13 weeks / 6 days

So, according to my BabyBump Pro app, little bebe is approx 3.4in - the size of a lemon and weighing 1.5oz.

Things are super different in today's day-in-age than they were in 1998 when I was pregnant with my daughter.

Not to mention, I was MUCH younger at the time as well....22 compared to 39 (40 in a week and a half) now.

My first trimester is finito.  Thank GOD!  Seriously.  It was rough.  So rough that I honestly didn't know if I was going to survive myself.

Let me start by saying that this pregnancy wasn't specifically "planned", but it also wasn't much of a surprise.  We kind of left it up to fate as a 'well, if it happens/well, if it doesn't happen' type scenario.

With that being said, I wasn't exactly prepared for the things that were so much of a part of my life to abruptly be non-existent...virtually overnight.

On a positive note, it definitely has made me stop and take a look at myself and certain things I was relying on as opposed to really dealing with any issues that were underlying going on with me.

Let's go through the list of obviouses, shall we?

#1 - smoking cigarettes.  Spare the lectures.  Yes, we all know it's terrible for you and I should not have been smoking to begin with, but the truth is that I have been an active smoker for more than 1/2 of my current lifespan.  I smoked my first cigarette when I was 14 (sorry Mom - actually I think you might already know that) and quit off and on for a year at a time, 6 months at a time, another year, another 6 months, repeat and repeat...if you are a smoker, you can relate.  I have never considered myself a heavy smoker.  Or what I would consider heavy.  I was never a "pack a day" smoker.  The only time that ever happened is if I was drinking and was in a facility that allowed smoking.  So it's happened before, but wasn't the norm.  In general, I got by with buying 1 pack a week or every 5-6 days.  And I've always smoked lights or ultra lights (not that that makes it any better, but still....give me some kudos here).  My last stint back smoking, I had switched over to American Spirit ultra lights, so give me a little credit.  Atleast I was being organic about it.  :p  I even tried an e-cig for a short lived time in replacement of cigarettes, but that wasn't cutting it.  Needless to say, as soon as I found out for sure that little bebe was in fact a gestation of a little bebe, I had to quit.  Speaking from experience, I know the struggles quitting smoking entails, but add in the fact that you have another human life growing inside of you and the stresses that puts on you...Oy.  Generally speaking, this has been the hardest for me.  I tapered down and eventually quit cold turkey.  It's been over a month since I have had a cigarette, but that doesn't mean that it's still not hard.  as. hell.  Let me reiterate that.  It's HARD AS HELL.  On top of the fact that I am making myself healthier and what quitting smoking does for you for obvious reasons, the fact that most people gain weight when they quit smoking - that part is sorta ok for me.  For now.  Under the circumstances.

#2 - drinking.  I'm not a huge drinker, nor have I ever been, but damn, I love a good glass of vino.  Just looking at that picture is making me salivate.  You don't realize how much you enjoy something...(I don't want to say "count on" because it's not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do thoroughly enjoy some wine) until it's taken away completely.  Dang it.  A glass or two of wine on the weekends or 1 during the week helped me relax. It took the stress away.  And now I can't have it.  Any of it.  Yes, I know they say it's ok to have a glass or two here and there throughout your pregnancy (hell even my doctor said it was ok), but I'm just not going to risk it.  So there's that.  Til August, vino....then I will have a glass of you....you can count on it!

#3a - zoloft.  Ah, my anti-anxiety/depressant medication.  Let me give a little back story here.  I had my first massive panic attack about 12 or 13 years ago...my daughter was 4 and we had just moved into my first house I bought.  It was horrible.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  And that wasn't the only one.  Many more ensued and multiple times a day.  I couldn't function.  I went to the doctor and finally got on anti-anxiety medication.  It helped tremendously and throughout the years, I've gone through 3-4 different prescription medications as well as being diagnosed with severe depression to boot.  Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists....you name it.  But it's been fairly under control.  I started going to Al-Anon almost 2 years ago and after really getting into the program, I could tell that in itself was really helping with my anxiety and depression.  Yet, I still relied on medication.  But to be honest, I had often thought of possibly getting off of it at some point.  It worked for me.  I know it doesn't work for a lot of people, but medication has helped me.  But I always KNEW that if I were to ever get pregnant again, I would NOT be on medication.  Obviously I am still a little touchy on this subject, but this is my choice.  Studies, doctors, pretty much everyone on the planet says it's considered "safe" to be on antidepressants when you are pregnant and in fact, strongly advise you to say on them if you do become so.  I just know for myself that if anything is wrong with the baby that possibly had anything to do with this medication, I would never ever ever be able to ever forgive myself.  It's my choice.  It's my body.  So there it is.  However, getting off of this medication after relying on it for many years has not been easy.  Combining the fact that I am super hormonal (let's just go ahead and say OFF THE CHARTS) due to the pregnancy, adding withdrawal symptoms of coming off this medication has not been fun.  It's been a nightmare.  Let's be honest.  And I've been so hard to live with, I can hardly live with myself.  But we all make sacrifices for what we believe in, right?  Some people may not agree with my decision, and I respect that, but I also don't care.  It's my decision and that's all that matters.  Let's move on.  (still a little sensitive...obviously)

#3b - xanax.  didn't have to count on this one too much, however, when I did feel panicky or anxious, I was able to take one of these and feel much better. Usually had once a week on average. Obviously, these are out the window during pregnancy as well.

#3c - ambien.  this is a doozy.  as i relied on it EVER SINGLE NIGHT to sleep.  I've had some level of insomnia since I can remember.  And my stages of insomnia have always fluctuated between 1.  ok to fall asleep, but wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep to 2. can't fall asleep, but once I finally do after millenniums, I do stay asleep.  Either way, was never bueno.  So I would say for a good year, I have been taking ambien just to sleep.  Gone.  Out the window.

So, let's just stop here and do a little tally, shall we?

All in a short span of time, I have quit smoking, quit drinking, came off anti anxiety/depression medication, and also came off medication that was helping me sleep nightly.  Oh yah, and I'm pregnant too - so let's throw on top of that how utterly sick I was from just that alone (the hormones, the nausea, the heartburn, the indigestion, the bloating, the irritability, the hunger, the exhaustion, the out-of-breaths, the uncomfortableness of not being able to fit into your normal clothes, shall I go on?) and see what kind of mood you have after you vomit all of that up.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the last 2 months have literally been the death of me.  Almost.  To the brink.  Then it slowly started to be clear to me - just like a Hallelujah moment.  And everything started to make sense.  And now seeing it on paper (well typed out on a computer screen), well, it's REALLY obvious.  Not that I was looking for an excuse or a way out for how on edge and what a pain (let's just call it like it really is - what a BITCH) I have been....but hello?!?!  That's a lot of change in a short period of time.  And you know I gotta give myself a little credit.  I always thought I was a strong woman...that I could handle anything.  There are times in life when you truly doubt yourself.  When you truly doubt your strength.  But it's there.  And knowing it and feeling it is almost a sigh of relief.

Now that I have some clarity after discovering all of these things, let's go back to when I said there is a positive note to all of this.

Now that I know the source of what I am going through and the feelings that I am feeling, it forces me to address all of these things and focus on a positive release and outcome of all of these things that were bottled up that I didn't even realize were bottled up....because I was essentially just covering them up.

So this is the tricky part and the part that will take time.  And the part that I have to figure out....all-the-while while pregnant, mind you.

I will never doubt the strength and the power of a woman ever again.  As long as I live.  Because we are some forces to be reckoned with, let me tell ya.  But I do know and believe this: God wouldn't give me these things to deal with if He knew I couldn't handle it.  That I truly know.  But I gotta tell ya, God, it sure would be nice to catch a little break for a few...you know...when you think I'm ready.