8/15/16

I woke up the morning of 8/15/16 filled with anxiety.  Not my usual fear-based anxiety, but anxious in wondering how this day would turn out.  If baby was going to be born today, how my labor was going to go...anxiety of the unknown, but a good anxiety.  Anxious to finally meet my baby boy, whom I had waited 9 long months to finally meet.

I didn't get much sleep the night before, but managed to get a few hours in there somewhere.  Sleep had already become a thing of the past as I had become so uncomfortable in my pregnant body physically that I could hardly go another day being pregnant.  As much as I had hoped for a "natural" progression of labor, I was equally as happy to go ahead with the induction since I had made it 39 1/2 weeks.  4 days away from my official due date of 8/19.

My daughter drove me to the hospital and we arrived and checked in just before 8am.  I was scheduled to be induced at 8:30am.

We got checked in and settled into the delivery room where my nurse went over the process and what to expect.  My nurse was super awesome by the way.  I loved her.  She went over the plan with me.  She examined me and I was between 40-50% effaced and 2-3 centimeters dilated with no other signs of labor.  My doctor had sent the plan in, so she went over it with me.  They were going to start me with a pill (Cytotec I believe it was) to get labor started and contractions going and see how things progressed for the first 3-4 hours, then if no significant changes, they were going to go ahead with the Pitocin to really throw me into labor.

Bottoms up.  She gave me the pill at 8:30am. I thought to myself it's really happening.  We are going to have a baby today.  I'm going to finally get to meet my son and hold him for the first time.

My parents arrived shortly after and soon after that my super awesome best friend (designated labor coach) arrived.  I started feeling contractions very soon after taking the pill, but they were bearable.  I was able to get up and walk around since they hadn't started Pitocin, so that was a blessing.  I wasn't confined to the bed.  We got up for a couple of walks around the hallways and over the course of the next couple of hours, I could really feel the contractions getting stronger and closer together.  I was really going to try and get through this labor without an epidural.  At this point, I was thinking maybe I could do it.

I took a really long walk with my best friend down to the cafeteria area to get some lemonade (I was only allowed water and clear liquids at this point).  While we were down there, I felt a lot of moisture between my legs starting to drip and run down my legs...I thought it was my water starting to break, so I quickly made it back up to the room.  The nurse checked me and checked the fluid and it wasn't amniotic fluid.   I had effaced only slightly more and dilated only 1 more centimeter.  So she talked to me about breaking my water to really get things going.  This was somewhere between 11am-12pm.  My daughter had already left - she had to get her Senior portraits done this day at 1, so we were cutting it close.  I was nervous that the baby was going to be born before she got back.  But we went ahead and broke my water.  Almost immediately afterwards, the contractions really started coming on strong.  After they broke my water, this is when things started happening super fast and it's hard to remember exact timelines.  Obviously I did not have to have the Pitocin because now at this point, I was in full on active labor.

Now I was facing my biggest decision.  The contractions were starting to become unbearable at this point and I was getting nervous that I wasn't going to be able to do it without the epidural.  I had always remained open to getting one, I was only TRYING not to.  Key word is trying.  Between this time and around 1, the contractions got so bad that I finally gave in and decided to get the epidural.  They let the anesthesiologist know right away so that I could get in line....he had a couple ahead of me to do.  By this time, my daughter had made it back and we were all in the room.  I was trying to focus on breathing through the contractions, but they were really becoming excruciating.

So I would like to say for all you women out there that have gone through labor and given birth without epidurals, I salute you and bow down to you wholeheartedly because it's the worst pain I've ever felt.  And I know I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  I know I could have done it if I had to, but I made the decision and knew it was best for me.

It was just a bit after 2pm I believe when he finally arrived.  I was so nervous, but I knew I had to endure it to get through the labor pain.  My mom and my daughter were sitting behind me and I had my nurse and best friend in front of me holding my hands while I was hunched over the pillow for him to insert the epidural into my spine.  He was trying to joke and make light of everything, but while we were sitting there, I knew something was wrong...I felt liquid run down my back.  I asked what was wrong and he just assured me that everything was ok and that he had to try again.  2nd time, I finally felt the medication kick in and my legs started to go numb.  It took a while, but he finally finished up and the tensions subsided.  The epidural was in and successful.  I hated the feeling I had for the first several minutes of having the epidural done, but slowly I started to relax a bit and was more at ease. (*side note, I later found out that somehow he had missed something and what I felt run down my back was blood.  This is when my daughter had gotten up and left the room because she saw this happening behind me*)

My mom and daughter had left the room at this time to go get something to eat....my dad had been out of the room already, so it was just me and my best friend.  The nurse came in to check on me and I guess bebe's heart rate had dropped.  She had to turn me on my side and give me oxygen.  I was really scared there for a few minutes.  I thought something was wrong with the baby, but the nurse assured me that she had it under control, that she wasn't worried....so after what seemed like forever, she finally got his heart rate back up and I finally started to relax into the medication of the epidural and everything was fine.  Contractions were super strong and not far apart by now, but I was completely relaxed and could only feel slight pressure.

So I laid there for a while talking to my best friend and my daughter, mom and dad came back in to visit.  I started feeling a lot of pressure on my bottom and knew that things were starting to progress as I started feeling the sensation that I needed to push.  I called the nurse in and she checked me and sure enough I was minus 2 effacement and 10cm dilated.  This was around 3:30ish I believe.  She rushed to call my doctor to get her to the hospital for delivery.  (her office was only 5 minutes up the road).

I started panicking because I didn't think I was going to be able to hold the baby in.  I now was trying my hardest to hold him in even though everything in me was telling me to push!

My doctor finally got there and they got everything prepped.  My dad and daughter had left the room as soon as she got there and my mom really wanted to stay in the room, so I agreed to let her stay.  I had her and my best friend there.  They got me all ready to start pushing.

Here we go!

I tried to push and nothing happened.  I kept pushing with my legs and it seemed like I forgot how to push for the baby to come out.  Nothing was happening.  I was starting to get worried and panicking that I wasn't going to be able to get the baby out.  They gave me oxygen again, which made me nervous again.  After a few rounds of trying to push but not being successful, my doctor said "ok, we have a full head of dark hair down here...you gotta push Laura!"....I guess something in me finally clicked and that final push, I pushed as hard as I could and he came FLYING out - everyone told me to stop and slow down and I couldn't.  I felt like he flew out of me with full force.  All I remember were tears of joy, gasps of WOW and excitement and my sweet baby boy's first cries.

Welcome baby.  Born 4:35pm.  7 lbs 4 ozs, 21" long.


I couldn't believe it.  He was finally here and he was beautiful and he was PERFECT.

Doctor spent quite a bit of time stitching me up - apparently that amount of force that I did finally found really got me.  :/

It's already been 2 months and I can already feel the memory of that day starting to fade.  So much has happened since that day and it's changed my life in ways I never would have imagined.

Overall I was in labor for a total of 8 hours, which definitely wasn't too bad...considering if you look at it from a normal 8 hour work day perspective.  Ha!  Although the comparison is quite drastic.

The memories of the day may fade but I will never forget that day.  Just as I will never forget that Monday 3/15/1999.

So here I am with 2 babies and my heart is overflowing.  I am so abundantly blessed.  My little family of 3.

4th Trimester

Wow, what a whirlwind!

Welp, all of that worrying about baby coming early and I made it 4 days shy of my due date.  My doctor scheduled an induction on 8/15/16 and sweet baby August Finn was born at 4:35pm that day.  I am going to write a separate post detailing my labor/birth experience. (before I start to forget certain aspects of it)

I have also created a new blog for all things August Finn to continue documenting things about him.  Visit August Finn for those updates.

Little bebe is now 2 months old (+ 5 days, but who's counting).  He weighs over 12 lbs and is super long at 24"!  He's healthy and beautiful and I couldn't be more happy and in love with my baby boy.

The past 2 months have been a mixture of every emotion under the sun to say the least.  Taking care of a newborn 24/7 by yourself is quite a challenge if I do say so myself.  There were a lot of tears, a lot of smiles, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of tempers flaring.

The first month was the most stressful for me.  I had a little help from family, but for the most part, I was flying solo.  I almost lost it on several occasions, but both of us managed to survive the first month of life.

I only breastfed for 5 weeks.  I made it longer than I did with my first and made it past the most important part, but I still miss it and part of me feels guilty (even though I know I shouldn't and have been assured by everyone and his doctor too).  It was entirely too stressful for both of us.  Bebe would try and nurse for sometimes 4 hours at a time.  I don't know if it was a mixture of me not getting him full enough or him just feeling more comforted being on my breast.  Either way, it just didn't work out.  I tried pumping for about a week and it continued to be too stressful/too much, so we went formula exclusive several weeks ago.  The transition has gone fine.  He's gaining weight and happy, so I am comfortable in my decision.

His dad has seen him 4 times now - 2 hour visits with his family each time.  They've gone well, but I am unsure what the future holds.  For now, my only concern is my precious baby boy and taking care of him and I.  I hope that some day his father will be a bigger/more contributing part of his life, but for now, I am content with knowing that August Finn is safe and happy with me.

So we are finding our new normal and things are starting to smooth out.  I started back to work full time this week, so it's another adjustment for the both of us.  I miss my little monkey like crazy, but also feels good to get back to work and back to another routine.

So I will conclude this and post my labor story which will be my last post in this particular blog.  I will continue to post in Sleeps with Butterflies and now in August Finn so check back there for new posts.

Thanks for following my pregnancy journey.  It was a wild ride and at times wasn't sure if I was going to make it through, but we did and both baby and Mama are happy and healthy! :)

Day 263 / 37 Weeks, Day 5

17 more days to go
per BabyBump App

Good Lord, I can't imagine going 17 more days, but who knows.

Doc visit was completely uneventful yesterday.  My weight is the same and I'm exact same as last Wednesday apt.  2 cm dilated and 30-40% effaced.

My daughter is back home from vacation, so I'm definitely ready for the "any day now" scenario.  At this point, the sooner the better.  Everything hurts, I can't sleep and I'm more than ready to hold this sweet little boy in my arms and smell his sweet skin.

Come on baby boy!!

Day 257 / 36 Weeks, Day 6

Just got back from the doc and everything looks good and is progressing!  Any day now!!

Baby is still head down, less amniotic fluid around the baby, which is a good sign at this stage.  I am almost 2 cm dilated and between 30-40% effaced.  Belly measures 37 1/2-38 weeks and baby still measures about 2 weeks bigger.

Keeping my fingers crossed that he waits for big sister to come home on Sunday the 31st!!

Wild Ride - Day 255 / 36 weeks, Day 4

Well it's certainly been a wild ride over the last month.  And a VERY tough month for me might I add.

I had a scare with my blood pressure again and my anxiety started acting up badly.  I managed to get all of that back under control within about a 2 week time frame, but it wasn't easy and it was really hard on me.

I woke up on Thursday 7/21 having had contractions in the middle of the night all night and with them ongoing, I finally called my doc on Saturday and went into L&D to get checked out.  My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, but my cervix did not dilate within a few hours time, so they sent me home.  I was contracting still until the middle of the night last night when they have now subsided.  I had a dream that I went to visit Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid in my dream last night and he worked his magic and had the contractions stop for me.  LOL.  I am still giggling about my dream.  Whatever works though.  I was really dreading having to deal with constant contractions for another few days to couple of weeks.

My due date is coming up quickly - cycle still 8/19, sono is now showing 2 weeks ahead as opposed to 3 weeks at 8/8.

As of last week, baby was measuring 6 lbs 12 oz and I was 1 cm dilated and 0% effaced....which I still was when I was in the hospital on Saturday.  The sono last week also still showed a lot of excess amnio fluid.  I go back to the doctor on Wednesday 7/27 if nothing happens in the meantime.

So I'm back home now working from home and feeling better.  On top of everything else, my daughter is in Colorado on vacation with her dad and his family and doesn't get back until 7/31, so I was worried that little bebe was going to come while she is gone.  Which could still be the case, but hoping since my contractions have stopped, that it was just my body and baby getting prepared for delivery.  :)

During my anxiety/bp issues a couple of weeks ago, I ended up losing 5 lbs...which I guess wasn't such a bad thing, since I just kept creeping up higher and higher.  So as of last week, I had fluctuated up and down to where I have gained a total of 47 lbs total.  Which I'm ok with.  I haven't been very hungry since all of the steady contractions and I'm trying to watch what I eat more, so hopefully I don't gain too much more for this last stint of pregnancy...whether that be today or a couple of more weeks from now.  If I could hang on for atleast another week, I would be happy because my daughter will be back and he would be considered "full term" at over 37 weeks.  But at this point, it truly could happen at any minute.  For the moment, I am just thankful that the constant contractions have subsided and I am comfortable at the moment and was able to get some fairly decent sleep last night.

Babycita had still been exploring breech position up until last week again.  He was head up, head down, head up, head down from one week to the next, but finally had gone back to head down last week and was still that way Saturday - I THINK he's still faced that way at the moment.  He's becoming a big boy as I can now feel he's really filling into my stomach and running out of room to move around and grow much more.

So I am all prepared for his arrival at any time now.  All necessities are in place and mentally, I am totally ready.  So little bebe, whenever you are ready to make your appearance Earthside, Mama is here waiting to hold you in my arms.  <3

Wild Ride - Day 255 / 36 weeks, Day 4

Well it's certainly been a wild ride over the last month.  And a VERY tough month for me might I add.

I had a scare with my blood pressure again and my anxiety started acting up badly.  I managed to get all of that back under control within about a 2 week time frame, but it wasn't easy and it was really hard on me.

I woke up on Thursday 7/21 having had contractions in the middle of the night all night and with them ongoing, I finally called my doc on Saturday and went into L&D to get checked out.  My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, but my cervix did not dilate within a few hours time, so they sent me home.  I was contracting still until the middle of the night last night when they have now subsided.  I had a dream that I went to visit Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid in my dream last night and he worked his magic and had the contractions stop for me.  LOL.  I am still giggling about my dream.  Whatever works though.  I was really dreading having to deal with constant contractions for another few days to couple of weeks.

My due date is coming up quickly - cycle still 8/19, sono is now showing 2 weeks ahead as opposed to 3 weeks at 8/8.

As of last week, baby was measuring 6 lbs 12 oz and I was 1 cm dilated and 0% effaced....which I still was when I was in the hospital on Saturday.  I go back to the doctor on Wednesday 7/27 if nothing happens in the meantime.

So I'm back home now working from home and feeling better.  On top of everything else, my daughter is in Colorado on vacation with her dad and his family and doesn't get back until 7/31, so I was worried that little bebe was going to come while she is gone.  Which could still be the case, but hoping since my contractions have stopped, that it was just my body and baby getting prepared for delivery.  :)

During my anxiety/bp issues a couple of weeks ago, I ended up losing 5 lbs...which I guess wasn't such a bad thing, since I just kept creeping up higher and higher.  So as of last week, I had fluctuated up and down to where I have gained a total of 47 lbs total.  Which I'm ok with.  I haven't been very hungry since all of the steady contractions and I'm trying to watch what I eat more, so hopefully I don't gain too much more for this last stint of pregnancy...whether that be today or a couple of more weeks from now.  If I could hang on for atleast another week, I would be happy because my daughter will be back and he would be considered "full term" at over 37 weeks.  But at this point, it truly could happen at any minute.  For the moment, I am just thankful that the constant contractions have subsided and I am comfortable at the moment and was able to get some fairly decent sleep last night.

Babycita had still been exploring breech position up until last week again.  He was head up, head down, head up, head down from one week to the next, but finally had gone back to head down last week and was still that way Saturday - I THINK he's still faced that way at the moment.  He's becoming a big boy as I can now feel he's really filling into my stomach and running out of room to move around and grow much more.

So I am all prepared for his arrival at any time now.  All necessities are in place and mentally, I am totally ready.  So little bebe, whenever you are ready to make your appearance Earthside, Mama is here waiting to hold you in my arms.  <3

Day 222 / 31 Weeks, Day 6 OR Day 238 / 34 Weeks, Day 1

Staring down the finish line.

I don't have another appointment until next week.

Symptoms as of late:
-  Swollen ankles/feet
-  Super emotional - can cry at the drop of a hat
-  Slight panic/anticipation as labor and delivery (and reality) draws nearer
-  Sleep deprived - Unable to get a good night's rest due to physically being uncomfortable and/or crazy dreams
-  Feeling fat and unhappy with my appearance
-  Super irritable - getting frustrated easily
-  Sweating profusely :( due to hormones and the fact that it's 100 degrees now.  My deodorant is failing me terribly
-  Sluggish, unmotivated


I am trying to stay positive and count the blessings because it does feel like the pains are outweighing the good at this point.  So I'm trying to keep my mindset in a positive one.  It's difficult at times, but when I feel frustrated, I try and think of something or say something to myself that is positive.

I am growing a little human inside of me.  My son.  I feel him moving constantly.  The bond I am creating with him is immeasurable.  He is 100% protected by me for the time being.  All of the pains and the emotions are all worth it in the end.

The Countdown Begins - Week 31 or 33 - You Decide

Week 30 / Day 5
Day 214
66 more days to go
per BabyBump app

OR

Week 32 / Day 5
Day 230

So, had my doc apt yesterday.  Sono now shows little bebe is 16 days bigger in measurements. Estimated weight is 4 lbs 8 oz.

So according to my cycle due date, I am about to begin week 31 and according to my sono due date, I am about to begin week 33.

Everything looks good as of now.

Little monkey has turned breech again and I can definitely tell.  Atleast he is still moving around and he has plenty of time to turn back (hopefully!).  He goes from up to down frequently lately, so hopefully he will settle into the down position soon and stay there.  When he's breech like this, it's causing me sooooooo much pain.  I have been in tears most of the day with how much pressure his head is putting on my ribs and how my back feels when he is in this position.  As if it's not uncomfortable enough, but when he's in this position, I am in a lot of pain.  If I end up having a c-section, I am ok and coming to terms with it.  Although it's not ideal and I would prefer a vaginal birth, I know that it is out of my control and I have to be open to the possibility if he doesn't turn or if he does end up too big, a c-section may have to be the only option.

Literally it feels like my belly has grown outward several inches just overnight.  There is a major visible difference in my belly from yesterday to today.

I have two baby showers coming up - one on Friday and the next one the following Saturday.  My family is about to be out of town for a little over a week and I'm just praying that this little poot hangs on for atleast another month.  I have to get busy on my spring cleaning project this weekend and try and finish as much as I can because at this point, I think I need to start getting prepared.  My energy level is starting to drop and I can feel myself getting super sleepy and lethargic again.

Plus the sleepless nights are even more so.  It's soooooo hard to sleep and stay comfortable in one position now.

I've gained a total of 40 lbs as of yesterday.  Oy.  But again, I'm not stressing out about it much anymore.  I'm trying to maintain as well as I can and I'll deal with losing it all plus some after he makes his appearance Earthside.

These are photos from today.  I honestly dislike looking at myself in the mirror or in photos at the moment....but I just have to keep remembering I'm growing a little human inside of me and the miracle it truly is.

This first one, I have definitely had to scoot back from my work desk since yesterday and lean back even further while pulling my keyboard closer to me.  What a crazy feeling!

Braxton Hicks

Day 203 / 29 weeks, Day 1
77 more days to go
per BabyBump app

Oy vey.

I don't remember experiencing these when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I definitely experienced it last night.

They're definitely not so fun.

And if I forgot what contractions felt like 17 years ago, I was certainly reminded of them last night.

I might be rethinking this whole "trying not to get an epidural" decision.

LOL

Just please hang on little bebe for atleast another month here, my love.  You need to keep cookin' as long as you can!

Baby Gymnastics

I went in for my first biophysical sono screening yesterday and guess what?  This little monkey decided to turn breech on me.

He's been head down the entire pregnancy and yesterday, he was flipped head up.

Silly goose.

I knew something was different because the movements I was feeling since this weekend were different and not as pronounced.

And I think it may totally be my fault.  Oops.  I had my prenatal yoga class on Saturday and the instructor (who is also pregnant), mentioned that down dog was pretty much a no-no position after 32 weeks.  But hey, I'm not 32 weeks yet, so we figured I was good.  Well, I know that's when he flipped up because right after the class is when the movements I started feeling were different.

The sono guy said not to worry at all because he still has plenty of time to turn over, but I couldn't help but get a little concerned.

So I got home last night, did a couple of down dogs, did a little bit of laying down with my hips propped up on a pillow with my legs bent.  No change.

I started feeling some ready-set-go motions just a bit ago from little bebe and since then he spent about a good 20-30 minutes re-positioning himself and doing a round of gymnastic routines.  And I can tell he's back to head down now.  Everything is more pronounced again and I can tell he's back in position.  Whew.

Hopefully he stays that way.  Don't mess with me like that again, little monkey!

No more down-doggin' for this mama until after your arrival little one.

I Can't Wait To Meet You

If you only knew how much I love you and your aren't even Earthside yet.

So far this pregnancy has been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least.  The situation now is not ideal, but I'm embracing it and moving forward and taking it day by day.  And I'm not freaking out or worried that I won't be able to do this.  I know I can.  I feel the love I already have for my little unborn bebe and the fact that I will be a single mother does not scare me in the least.  It wasn't what I envisioned, but most of the time life doesn't end up as you envisioned anyway.  And it has taken this course for a very important reason.  There are no mistakes.  Only blessings.

The last time I was pregnant was 17/18 years ago with my daughter.  I was so young back then - 22.  There are certain things I remember, but a lot of it I have forgotten.  It's been a very long time.  And let's face it, my memory isn't the greatest.  My journey with my daughter has been the best ever.  I treasure everything we have shared and still share and will continue to share from today forward.  I look at her and am overflowing with pride.  Not because I feel that I am partly responsible for the freaking amazing woman she has grown into, but because she IS and has grown into a phenomenal woman.  As her own person.  And on her own accord. And I've been along for the ride to witness it.  And the fact that God chose me to be her mother, I will be eternally grateful.  I honestly never thought I wanted to be a mother when I was younger, but as I stated above, there are no mistakes.  And although getting pregnant with my daughter was definitely not a planned event, she was the absolute best blessing God has given me.

And up until 7 months ago, I wasn't sure if I would or wanted to be a mother to another child again.  I was beginning to think my time (or window if you will) had passed.

But I left it up to fate.  And today, I am in the middle of another great blessing.  A little baby boy growing inside of me.  I've felt such great love since I knew he was growing inside of me, but it's really starting to feel real.  I know his schedule now.  I know his movements. I know when he's going to react to what I eat or drink.  I talk to him a lot.  I tell him all the time how much he is already loved and how I will protect him with my life.  Just as I would for my 17 year old daughter.  I will do the same for him.

When my daughter was born, I was still together with her father for the first 8-9 months of her life, so I had a lot of support from him in helping with her daily when she was a baby.  He's been a phenomenal dad to her since.  And we have managed to co-parent exceptionally.

I am gearing up for this adventure to be a solo one.  It will be challenging to say the least, but I do have a lot of support with family and friends and I know things will turn out just as the way they were meant to be.  There will be a lot of sleepless nights, there will be bags under my eyes, there will be tempers flaring, there will be tears.  And there will be many many smiles and joyous laughter.  Because I know all of these things - I absolutely realize the challenges that raising a child solo will entail, I choose today to focus on the positive and the blessings and to be the absolute best mom I can be to my son.  Just as I have with my daughter.

My daughter and I took out a lot of her baby pictures the other night and reminisced.  It was so fun and such a fantastic trip down memory lane.  And the fact that I can do that with her is irreplaceable.  I look at the sonogram images of my son and imagine what it will feel like to see him for the first time with my own eyes.  What it will feel like to kiss his sweet cheeks and to see his tiny little fingers and toes and to hold him in my arms.  It seems like I was so impatient throughout this pregnancy - I have to admit, being pregnant is not something that I enjoy so much.  :/  I realize the necessity of it, but I am definitely not one of those women that adore being pregnant.  I know once he is born, there will be aspects that I may miss, but they will quickly pass.  The one thing that I do love about being pregnant is knowing my son is protected by me, his mother.  That no one outside of my body can harm him without coming through me first.  Just knowing that right now I am able to shield him from any emotional or physical pain he may endure through his life is enough to make me want him to stay in here a bit longer.  As much as I can't wait to meet him, I am also so calm and comfortable in the fact that he is truly protected 100% by me right now.  But that won't last forever.  As is the circle of life.

And in a couple of months, I will have 2 children.  Not just 1, but 2.  A daughter and a son!  It's so crazy to say that.

Can't wait to touch your sweet face, baby boy and to smell your sweet skin.  Mama's patiently awaiting your miraculous arrival.  <3

Oh and P.S., today I have officially begun my 3rd trimester going by my actual due date of 8/19.  (Honestly I think I have been in my 3rd trimester for almost 2 weeks now, but I digress).  Week 28 has officially begun!

Day 192 - 27 Weeks / Day 4

88 more days to go
per BabyBump app


Had my doc apt today and everything looks great.  They did a more in depth sono measuring the amnio fluid and placenta and everything looks perfect.  He is measuring 3 lbs and 12 days older, which would technically put me at 29 weeks / Day 2.  I got to talk in depth a little more to my doc today about questions I had and in him measuring bigger it could either mean 1 of 2 things....that I truly am further along than my anticipated calculated due date or that he's going to be a bigger baby.  I'm going with the I'm further along reasoning - just throwing it out into the universe.  Because Lord knows I don't fancy delivering a super big baby.  But either way, it's up to him when he's ready to make his appearance.  :)

I'm ordering my breast pump through insurance today and going to start checking out pediatricians.

I was surprised that I had only gained 4 lbs since my last visit.  Still overall a little too much, but hopefully I am slowing down since I obviously tended to gain most of my weight in the beginning.  Who knows though because from here on out, I know little bebe will be gaining weight quickly, so not sure how that will effect my actual weight gain.  Either way, I've come to terms with it.  Like I said before, I'll worry about getting it all off + more after he's born.  That's just one less thing I need to stress over right now.  Trying to stay calm and healthy for this little monkey is my biggest concern.

Oh, and I fell over the weekend.  :/  I tripped over a chaise lounge at my house.  Luckily, I caught myself on my knees and hands and upper arms and didn't actually impact my belly.  So thankfully nothing happened from that...I just need to be more careful with my clumsy pregnant self.  Oof.

He's positioned downwards, but hasn't yet dropped.  He does a lot of flipping around, but he's pretty much been faced downwards the entire pregnancy.

I go back in a week and a half where they will start the more in depth screenings.  Just another sono in a week and a half and the week after that, I go back for a sono and doc visit.  Then every 2 weeks after that until it goes to 1 week. :)  

Shit's about to get real, y'all!!!

Prenatal Vitamins

Almost forgot...someone asked me the other day what prenatal vitamins I am taking.

I started taking Vitamin Code's Raw One for Women a couple of years ago and have LOVED them.  I have felt good taking them religiously daily and have rarely been sick (knock on wood).

So once I found out I was pregnant, of course, I switched over to their prenatal : Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal.  The only complaint I have with them is you have to take them 3 times a day, which is a bit of a pain in the arse, but it's totally worth it to me.

I think any time you have a "raw" option of any sort of vitamin, you should go that route - in my opinion it's the best option.

So on top of those, I am also taking 1,000 mg extra of Folic Acid.

I highly recommend this brand for any vitamin type.  I love them!  I will definitely be continuing with the prenatals while I am breastfeeding and will switch back over to the Raw One for Women once I am done.

That Lil Ol Dreaded BIG Subject.....Weight.

Day 186 / 94 more days to go
26 weeks, Day 5
Baby size : 14 in - hothouse cucumber
Baby weight : 1.75 lb
(per BabyBump app)

This is always and forever has been (and forever will be) an uncomfortable subject for me.

When I found out I was pregnant I promised myself I wasn't going to gain as much weight (50 lbs total) as I did when pregnant with my daughter 17 years ago and that I was going to stay as active as possible.

I truly had a genuine determination in this goal.

My weight has been steadily increasing the last few months.  At a fairly quick rate.

The first 3 months of my pregnancy was rough - and typically was hard to eat any food.  Anything healthy made me want to throw up, so I stuck with a lot of bad foods.  I just ate to eat - to keep from being sick.  There were no salads or anything involved during this time.  The only thing that I could manage to eat and keep down was bread and cheese.  Literally.  Talk about a model of health.  I did stay active and continued with yoga 3-4 times a week and started walking a little bit.

The past few months I have been able to introduce healthier foods back into my diet - I am eating a lot of salads now and generally eating better....HOWEVER, this hunger is strong.  My carb craving is strong.  My sugar craving is strong.  And I'm having a very difficult time keeping it at bay.

When I went in for my apt on 4/4, I had already gained 26 lbs.  When I went in again on 4/27, I had gained 33 lbs total.

At that rate, I'm guessing when I go in next week, I will have gained 40 lbs total, if not more.  Especially since baby is growing at a super fast rate now.  I can't bear to weigh myself at home.  I'm so ashamed and angry at myself for letting this happen.  Yoga has gone down to once a week and my effort to walk is now at zero.  And for the 2-3 months that I have felt good, I am starting to go downhill again about to enter into my 3rd trimester next week.  I'm having even more trouble sleeping now, am super uncomfortable, feeling pains everywhere with my growing belly, the indigestion is the pits, I feel sluggish, tired, out of breath and generally just a big fat blob at this point.  I can see the weight gain in my face, my arms, my thighs.  Gross.  I feel it too and I feel disgusting.

I'm having a hard time accepting that this is just how it is and to not beat myself up too much.  Once the baby is born, I will work harder than ever to get this excess weight off and to also lose the additional 30 lbs I had been fluctuating with for the last couple of years.

I was unfortunately born with a bad metabolism and have struggled with quick weight gain if I don't stay on top of it constantly.  Everyone is different.  I know people that can eat whatever they want and work out daily and they look great.  I know people who watch what they eat and don't work out and look great.  I know people that can eat whatever they want and not work out and look great.  With me, it's 90% of what I eat and 10% physical activity.  If I eat like crap and worked out every day, I would still gain weight.  If I stick to a diet and eat healthy constantly, I lose it without having to really work out.

A couple of years ago I got up to my highest weight EVER (higher than my highest weight when I was pregnant) and I vowed to never reach that again (unless I became pregnant, but still didn't want to get that high).  I lost 30 lbs and managed to keep about that much off but had a difficult time trying to get the remaining 25-30 lbs off to reach my goal weight for a couple of years.  I dipped down a bit, but crept back up again.  When I started really getting into yoga again a few months before I found out I was pregnant, I started feeling good and was on my way to finally starting to work really hard to get the rest of this excess weight off.  But then I found out I was pregnant....and here I am today.

I am working on accepting the fact that I have gained this much weight...and I still have possibly 3 more months to go (if I make it that long) with even more weight to be gained.  I'm disappointed in myself, but working on just accepting the fact and trying to manage it the best I can without beating myself up about it and just really focus on it as soon as bebe is born and really get back on track then.  I know it will help once I am not his sole life force and can really focus on just myself - my own body.  The weight gain has been disappointing, but in testing, I don't have gestational diabetes and the only thing that has really been an issue is my blood pressure, but that's under control after a small scare, so I need to focus on all of the positives instead.

My anxiety has been at bay - I haven't felt anxious or depressed, which I am proud of that fact.  I need to focus on what is positive and not harp on how much weight I have gained.  We are our worst critics though.  Staying in the positive will help the next 2-3 months hopefully go by quickly and the sooner I will get to meet this sweet little bebe and hold him in my arms.

These are probably the last photos I will post of me because I'm not feeling the photos anymore.  :(  First is from January about a month after I found out I was pregnant - I had only gained about 6 lbs or so here.  The other two are from yesterday and today for comparison.

My Baby Arsenal (so far)

As of today, if I make it to my actual due date, I have 106 more days to go.  That's just a tad over 3 months.  If I make it to my due date, great, but the planner in me is needing to be as prepared as possible in case I don't make it that long and to make sure I have all things I need by 2 months from now, which I will just put a little time stamp on myself to have all necessities by July 4th...just in case.  Considering my daughter was born 3 weeks earlier than my due date with her and my sonos keep measuring this little fella as bigger, I just get a distinct gut feeling that I'm not going to make it that long....so just in case....I gotta be prepared.  Especially since all the planning and preparing is a solo effort.

Since finding out I was pregnant (well, and let's face it...since before I found out, I had often thought of things if I were to ever have another baby), I have done a lot of research on things I will need and the route I wish to go with this little one.

I was super young when I had my daughter (had just turned 23) and wasn't exactly wise in my young age, so I winged a lot of it.  I didn't do a lot of research and I wasn't as prepared as I am this time around.  Although, are you ever truly "prepared"? - nah, but I feel like I now have a better sense of being prepared at 40 as opposed to at 22-23 year old. I have a much clearer idea in my head of my expectations and my wants with this little bebe.  I know expectations cause disappointments and not to sound like I expect things to go a certain way, which I don't necessarily, I just mean in planning how I "see" things going and being more prepared in a general sense of how I picture things will go with life with a newborn.

I've been following lots of sweet mamas and their babies on Instagram and have gotten some really good advice from so many of those posts.  I have saved tons of sites for lots of baby stuff.  Some of which I have already purchased, some of which I plan on purchasing and some of which I hope to some day purchase.

I've registered at Buy Buy Baby and Babies R' Us.  I hardly have any items with Babies R' Us, but have found most of the items I want through Buy Buy Baby.  Plus they have a much more natural and organic selection than any other baby places.  I initially went totally overboard with my registry as I went into it a little blindly and overzealous.  But with the help of my sister (who has a just now 6 months old) and things that I went out and decided to purchase on my own, I've narrowed it down quite a bit.

Being a hippie type mama, I definitely want to wear my baby as much as I can.  I never baby wore with my daughter (is that even the correct phrase?), but I plan on doing so much of it with this little bebe.  All the research I have done, it just seems like a great bonding experience as well as something of great convenience as well.  After all the research - there are sooooooo many slings, wraps, etc to choose from (I wish I had money to buy them ALL!), I have decided to go with the Solly Baby Wrap initially for the first few months after baby is born.  I've heard nothing but great reviews and figured it was the best way to go.  Once little bebe is about 4 or 5 months old, I plan on switching over to the Ergo Baby 360, which I have not purchased yet, but plan on it either just prior to baby being born or a couple of months after.  Since I don't plan on switching until a few months of baby's life, I have plenty of time to get one.

I've also started building up my little papushka's wardrobe little by little with super cute, unique baby clothes and organic if possible.  There are too many sites to list, but I am adamant on not having a bunch of Carter's, (et al) baby clothes.  Don't get me wrong, they have cute stuff, but they are too common and too bland.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I love anything different.  My registry has all organic clothing (although I didn't request much since I kind of want to keep my baby's wardrobe under my control since I am so picky).  Buy Buy Baby has tons of cute Burt's Bees baby stuff to choose from.

I plan on breast feeding, but being a working mom, even if it does work out, I will have to have bottles available for feedings.  I bought a Tommee Tippee Ultra bottle to start with.  These just came out and have really good reviews.  I tried to stick with bottles that will be closest to mimicking the nipple. I have also purchased a mimijumi bottle to try out.  It may be my only one as they are super pricey, but I've read reviews and they are supposed to be as close to mom's nipple as you can possibly get.  I have an Ergobaby Natural Curve nursing pillow on my registry as well that I plan on using religiously.  I've already purchased washable nursing pads, cooling booby tubes and organic nipple butter for necessities.

Pacifiers : I've purchased 2 of the Natursutten pacifiers to start with.  You have to replace them every 6 weeks or so, so I will probably be getting more once baby is here and is using them regularly.

Swaddling.  When my daughter was born, swaddling wasn't really much of a "thing" like it is now.  I bought an Ollie Swaddle the other day and can't wait to use it.  I've also registered for several muslin blankets and have a few already, but I really think this Ollie Swaddle will be a lifesaver at night. :)

I've decided to go with The Honest Co. diapers.  I may end up using a different brand just for overnight protection, but Honest has the best reviews for organic diapers.  Once the baby is a little older and his poop becomes a little more "formed" (shall I say), I am going to try to transition to cloth diapers.

After a lot of research, I decided to go with the Safety 1st OnBoard 35 Air infant car seat for starters.  I hope this one works out.  I wanted to go with the UppaBaby, but they are just a little out of my price range right now, so I wanted something a little more budget friendly.

I'm foregoing getting a crib until later on.  My daughter slept in bed with me and I plan on doing the same thing with this little bebe.  Since it's just me, it will be much more convenient and easier especially if I will be breastfeeding.  I purchased a co-sleeper the other day.  I think it will work just fine.

I also purchased a dresser that a woman refurbished chabby-chic style that has a top to use as a diaper changing station.  It's super cute.  I looked at traditional diaper changing stations, but knew I wanted something unique.

That's the majority of everything I have up until now minus a few things here and there that I can't think of off the top of my head.  I plan on having a baby shower around mid-late June and anything I don't get after that, I need to run out and get before my self-made deadline. :)

I'm going to try and start adding links to the right of the page for my favorite baby sites in case anyone is interested.

I have my next doctor and sono apt in 3 weeks or so - I will be into my 3rd trimester by then!

Love and poopy diapers!

Day 166 - 23 Weeks/Day 6

114 more days!
Baby size : 11.5in large mango
Weight : 1.1 lb
(per BabyBump app)

Doc apt today went good.  Sono went well...they are of course still saying he is bigger....sono tech fella says he thinks he weighs about 1 lb 12 oz and measures larger than 12in.  Nurse practitioner also measured length of my belly and she says it's measuring bigger too, so there's that.  I swear I'm not going to make it to my due date.  Honestly I have a gut feeling I will be surprised if I actually make it to August, but we'll see when little bebe wants to make his earthly appearance.

Everything else is going ok.  My blood pressure is still normal to low which is good and it was normal in the doc office today (whew!).  Indigestion is KILLING ME!

I'm starting to feel a little more tired than I have been lately and having a more difficult time getting out of bed.

Only doing yoga once a week now...it's just too much for me.  So I have to ramp up my walking.  I've just felt so bleh about exercising the last week or so, but I know I need to do it.

Hammering down the names.  I've got it narrowed down to a couple....just trying to sit with them a little longer before I make my final decision.

Nothing else too new to report.  Probably going to have the baby shower around mid June, so that's exciting.

I have completed my baby registry and gotten a diaper changing table and infant car seat as well as some other odds and ends.  It's starting to get real.  Little poot is flipping and fluttering non-stop.  He does seem to sleep when I sleep though, so that's good, but as soon as I'm awake, he starts flipping around too.  So in love with this little guy.  Here's the sono pic from today.  I can't even with the little profile.  So exciting!  I love you little boy!!!  Can't wait to meet you!

Day 157 - 22 Weeks, Day 4

Baby Size : 11 in - spaghetti squash
Baby Weight : 1 lb
123 more days!
(per BabyBump app)

Not a whole lot to report of significance.  I've been on my BP pills for a couple of weeks now and feeling good.  My BP has been normal to low every time I've checked it, so that's a positive.

Still have plenty of energy and feeling good for the most part.

Indigestion is killing me.  Every time I lay down especially at night, I feel like everything is sitting in my chest ready to just spew out at any moment.  Bleck.  I swear I think water gives me heartburn.

Tummy continues to grow.  Little bebe is just as active as ever.  My daughter watched him flip around a little bit last night when I was laying down.  It freaks her out, but I know she's secretly excited. :)

I've been eating a lot better and making sure I get more balanced meals throughout the day.  Still no major cravings.  I like smoothies and shakes though - crave those a bit more than normal, but I think a lot of that is because it helps with the indigestion.

Still narrowing down names.  Have several strong ones picked out, just trying to nail it down.

I'm getting more excited as the days go on and I know every day is closer to holding my sweet boy in my arms.  For now, I am trying to cherish this time with him comfortable and protected inside me and feeling the connection we already have developing.  With every movement, a reminder of my tiny little human developing more and more each day.

I'm starting to think about what he may look like.  Is he going to have dark hair, light hair, a button nose?  I'm reeling just thinking about how cute he will be.

Starting to finish up my baby registries and thinking of everything I will need once he's here...although it's still about 4 months away, it will be here before I know it!

Here's a photo of my bump from today.  I have a doc apt next week, so I will post an update then.

Day 146 - 20 weeks Day 7

A little over 1/2 way through!

Baby size : 6.5 in - small cantaloupe
Baby Weight : 10.6 oz
(per BabyBump app)

Went to the doc and got a sono on 3/30.  They are still showing the baby measuring about a week bigger.  Still no change in due date, but I doubt I will make it to 8/19, but who knows.

Had quite a scare at the doctor...my BP was really high and once I found out, I couldn't get it down and went into full blown panic attack mode.

Up until this point in time, my blood pressure has been completely normal.  I have been checking it every few days and it's been normal or below normal.

However, being off of my anxiety/depression medication, it is leaving me a little more vulnerable to becoming anxious.

Doc came in and prescribed me some BP medication to get it back under control.  Discussed getting back on SSRI, but I am not ready to do this.  As long as my BP is under control, I feel like I am doing really well with the anxiety/depression with the alternative "therapy" that I am currently using.  (ie: yoga, meditation and Al-Anon)

When I got home that night, I took my BP and it was low at 106/74.  So I was weary about taking the medication.  I had a follow up appointment on 4/4 to check it and to bring my 24 hour urine test to the office.  They had me do this to make sure there wasn't anything abnormal (ie: protein) to determine if it's simply just hypertension or if it's a further problem such as Preclampsia.  So I monitored my blood pressure every 2 hours for the next 3 days.  Most readings were at or below normal with a couple of higher spikes, but nothing I thought as a concern until Sunday especially when I was starting to get anxious about going back in and them taking it again.  I was going into panic mode already.

My urine test came back fine, but the nurse practitioner reviewed my BP and we decided to go ahead and get on the medication - it's a low dose.  I am monitoring my BP around twice a day now and it's been low since I started the medication on Monday averaging around 102/68.  So as long as it doesn't dip down to 80/40, I should be safe.  I still think my higher blood pressure readings are a direct result of my anxiety as opposed to full on chronic hypertension, but I digress.  I need to do what's best for the baby right now, so doctor's orders.  Once he is born, I plan on visiting my regular general practitioner and actually getting down to the bottom of it.  I know my doctor is only concerned about me being healthy for the baby and I'm fine with it for the pregnancy, but I think my general practitioner will be a better avenue to really figure out what is causing some of the spikes as it isn't all-the-time chronic hypertension.

Without going into much detail, the situation on 3/30 was a stressful one for me and I think it was directly resulting my high BP reading, so I've had to remove myself from being under any stress particularly with this direct situation and need to insure that I remain calm and healthy for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I have also gained a little more weight than they would like to see already (which I know is a result of me not making an effort to eat as healthy as I should and NP thinks quitting smoking + the high blood pressure may play a factor.  I know the quitting smoking sure as hell does).  Sooooo, with that said, I'm making an effort to really watch what I am eating and try to eat as healthy as I can and maybe a cheat meal once a week or so as opposed to as frequent as I was doing.  I am remaining active, but that only goes so far when I'm eating like crap. :/  First trimester was survival mode to stomach anything healthy, but now that I'm feeling good, I can definitely eat better, so I'm doing so now.  :)

I've been having some gas pains/pressure and a bit of constipation, but all normal.  Trying every thing I can to help it.

Everything else is good with the baby.  He's an active little guy.

The good thing about having the higher blood pressure now, they are having me do sonos once a month, so that's a plus :)

Here's the photos from 3/30:

Day 122 - Quick Update

17 weeks Day 4

See I'm already not keeping up with this new blog like I intended.  Oy.

So I went to the doc 3/1.  Everything went well.  Did more blood work and they took me off the progestrone.  I'm still taking Vitamin D. (Not sure if I covered that previously, but when they first took blood, my progestrone level was low, so they put me on supplements and it's back to normal now.  Second blood test, my Vitamin D was low, so I'm taking those supplements now)

I talked to them about changing the due date, and they said although the baby is consistently measuring somewhere between 4-5 days older, they are keeping my natural due date as 8/19/16 unless any other sonos reflect otherwise.  So who really knows...I guess it's too hard to determine to the exact day you are, but I won't be surprised if the little peanut shows up early.  We'll see.  It's up to him when he's ready to make his earthside appearance. :)

I've been sticking to my yoga although I have decreased classes to about 2 days a week because 3 days a week is simply becoming a little difficult.  I did get news that one of the yoga instructors at the studio I attend is now expecting and she is starting a prenatal class!  WOO-HOO!  I didn't want to have to go elsewhere for prenatal classes. I need to start walking atleast 2 days a week on top of it as well.  I was planning on doing so starting last week, but we were living in a monsoon all week.  So I have to start this week.  I know there's always an excuse.  Grrr.  But I'm determined to stay active throughout this pregnancy as opposed to my first when I was sedentary and ended up gaining 50 lbs.  :/  I was also 22-23 at the time, so I know it will be LOADS harder to lose any weight I gain this time around even just due to age itself.

My tummy is finally starting to have a pregnancy definition as opposed to me just looking like a fat cow.  LOL.  It's still a bit in between, but it's certainly defining.  Not to mention, things are really shifting and becoming uncomfortable.  I'm already looking forward to being able to sleep on my stomach again although I think I'm one of the only people on the planet that has this sleep position.

I feel him move every few days usually.  Actually move.  I get flutters a lot throughout the day, but I am feeling definitive movements as well, just not as often quite yet.

I generally feel pretty good.  Nothing is making me too sick, no cravings yet.  Some smells are still a little nauseating, but nothing too terrible.  I have pretty good energy right now, so I'm trying to take advantage of it while I can because I'm sure that may change in a few months.

Close to half way through! :)

Here's a 16 week photo that was actually taken too early (end of Feb) since I got all misconstrued for a few weeks on how far along I really am.  Who knows, I might be further along, but we are sticking with 8/19 now.

My next appt is 3/30 and I'll have another sono then.

Squirmy Worm

This little papushka sure is an active little guy. I feel him fluttering and flipping around a lot of the day for the past week or so. He's been nonstop all morning. Hopefully this isn't a sign of a hyper child :)

Day 97 - Wait! Day 106?

I got my sono today at the doc.  Neck measurements were fine and my fibroids still look ok.  This is the 2nd ultrasound I've had and the tech doing it both times says he thinks the baby is bigger.  The first one, the doc said they wouldn't change my due date, but after looking at the measurements today at 11.7 cm, instead of day 97, I am more closely on day 106ish.  In inches, that would equal 4.6", which is closer to the size of an avocado.  That's a 9 day difference, which is pretty large.  So even if the doc doesn't change my due date officially, I am changing it in my mind to closer to 8/8.  Plus since I do have the BabyBump Pro app, I would like to be following closer along to how the baby is developing more precisely as opposed to a 9 day gap.  :(

So here's the little bushka now.  He's a squirmy little thing.  It took the tech forever to be able to take the measurements because he wouldn't sit still.  We finally figured out he was trying to flip over, so once he flipped, he was a little more still.  I'm so in love with this little guy already.  And as my tummy grows, it becomes more and more of a reality.  It's still felt like a distant reality, but as the days go on, it is becoming more real.  And so much more exciting!

Day 96 - 13 weeks / 6 days

So, according to my BabyBump Pro app, little bebe is approx 3.4in - the size of a lemon and weighing 1.5oz.

Things are super different in today's day-in-age than they were in 1998 when I was pregnant with my daughter.

Not to mention, I was MUCH younger at the time as well....22 compared to 39 (40 in a week and a half) now.

My first trimester is finito.  Thank GOD!  Seriously.  It was rough.  So rough that I honestly didn't know if I was going to survive myself.

Let me start by saying that this pregnancy wasn't specifically "planned", but it also wasn't much of a surprise.  We kind of left it up to fate as a 'well, if it happens/well, if it doesn't happen' type scenario.

With that being said, I wasn't exactly prepared for the things that were so much of a part of my life to abruptly be non-existent...virtually overnight.

On a positive note, it definitely has made me stop and take a look at myself and certain things I was relying on as opposed to really dealing with any issues that were underlying going on with me.

Let's go through the list of obviouses, shall we?

#1 - smoking cigarettes.  Spare the lectures.  Yes, we all know it's terrible for you and I should not have been smoking to begin with, but the truth is that I have been an active smoker for more than 1/2 of my current lifespan.  I smoked my first cigarette when I was 14 (sorry Mom - actually I think you might already know that) and quit off and on for a year at a time, 6 months at a time, another year, another 6 months, repeat and repeat...if you are a smoker, you can relate.  I have never considered myself a heavy smoker.  Or what I would consider heavy.  I was never a "pack a day" smoker.  The only time that ever happened is if I was drinking and was in a facility that allowed smoking.  So it's happened before, but wasn't the norm.  In general, I got by with buying 1 pack a week or every 5-6 days.  And I've always smoked lights or ultra lights (not that that makes it any better, but still....give me some kudos here).  My last stint back smoking, I had switched over to American Spirit ultra lights, so give me a little credit.  Atleast I was being organic about it.  :p  I even tried an e-cig for a short lived time in replacement of cigarettes, but that wasn't cutting it.  Needless to say, as soon as I found out for sure that little bebe was in fact a gestation of a little bebe, I had to quit.  Speaking from experience, I know the struggles quitting smoking entails, but add in the fact that you have another human life growing inside of you and the stresses that puts on you...Oy.  Generally speaking, this has been the hardest for me.  I tapered down and eventually quit cold turkey.  It's been over a month since I have had a cigarette, but that doesn't mean that it's still not hard.  as. hell.  Let me reiterate that.  It's HARD AS HELL.  On top of the fact that I am making myself healthier and what quitting smoking does for you for obvious reasons, the fact that most people gain weight when they quit smoking - that part is sorta ok for me.  For now.  Under the circumstances.

#2 - drinking.  I'm not a huge drinker, nor have I ever been, but damn, I love a good glass of vino.  Just looking at that picture is making me salivate.  You don't realize how much you enjoy something...(I don't want to say "count on" because it's not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do thoroughly enjoy some wine) until it's taken away completely.  Dang it.  A glass or two of wine on the weekends or 1 during the week helped me relax. It took the stress away.  And now I can't have it.  Any of it.  Yes, I know they say it's ok to have a glass or two here and there throughout your pregnancy (hell even my doctor said it was ok), but I'm just not going to risk it.  So there's that.  Til August, vino....then I will have a glass of you....you can count on it!

#3a - zoloft.  Ah, my anti-anxiety/depressant medication.  Let me give a little back story here.  I had my first massive panic attack about 12 or 13 years ago...my daughter was 4 and we had just moved into my first house I bought.  It was horrible.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  And that wasn't the only one.  Many more ensued and multiple times a day.  I couldn't function.  I went to the doctor and finally got on anti-anxiety medication.  It helped tremendously and throughout the years, I've gone through 3-4 different prescription medications as well as being diagnosed with severe depression to boot.  Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists....you name it.  But it's been fairly under control.  I started going to Al-Anon almost 2 years ago and after really getting into the program, I could tell that in itself was really helping with my anxiety and depression.  Yet, I still relied on medication.  But to be honest, I had often thought of possibly getting off of it at some point.  It worked for me.  I know it doesn't work for a lot of people, but medication has helped me.  But I always KNEW that if I were to ever get pregnant again, I would NOT be on medication.  Obviously I am still a little touchy on this subject, but this is my choice.  Studies, doctors, pretty much everyone on the planet says it's considered "safe" to be on antidepressants when you are pregnant and in fact, strongly advise you to say on them if you do become so.  I just know for myself that if anything is wrong with the baby that possibly had anything to do with this medication, I would never ever ever be able to ever forgive myself.  It's my choice.  It's my body.  So there it is.  However, getting off of this medication after relying on it for many years has not been easy.  Combining the fact that I am super hormonal (let's just go ahead and say OFF THE CHARTS) due to the pregnancy, adding withdrawal symptoms of coming off this medication has not been fun.  It's been a nightmare.  Let's be honest.  And I've been so hard to live with, I can hardly live with myself.  But we all make sacrifices for what we believe in, right?  Some people may not agree with my decision, and I respect that, but I also don't care.  It's my decision and that's all that matters.  Let's move on.  (still a little sensitive...obviously)

#3b - xanax.  didn't have to count on this one too much, however, when I did feel panicky or anxious, I was able to take one of these and feel much better. Usually had once a week on average. Obviously, these are out the window during pregnancy as well.

#3c - ambien.  this is a doozy.  as i relied on it EVER SINGLE NIGHT to sleep.  I've had some level of insomnia since I can remember.  And my stages of insomnia have always fluctuated between 1.  ok to fall asleep, but wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep to 2. can't fall asleep, but once I finally do after millenniums, I do stay asleep.  Either way, was never bueno.  So I would say for a good year, I have been taking ambien just to sleep.  Gone.  Out the window.

So, let's just stop here and do a little tally, shall we?

All in a short span of time, I have quit smoking, quit drinking, came off anti anxiety/depression medication, and also came off medication that was helping me sleep nightly.  Oh yah, and I'm pregnant too - so let's throw on top of that how utterly sick I was from just that alone (the hormones, the nausea, the heartburn, the indigestion, the bloating, the irritability, the hunger, the exhaustion, the out-of-breaths, the uncomfortableness of not being able to fit into your normal clothes, shall I go on?) and see what kind of mood you have after you vomit all of that up.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the last 2 months have literally been the death of me.  Almost.  To the brink.  Then it slowly started to be clear to me - just like a Hallelujah moment.  And everything started to make sense.  And now seeing it on paper (well typed out on a computer screen), well, it's REALLY obvious.  Not that I was looking for an excuse or a way out for how on edge and what a pain (let's just call it like it really is - what a BITCH) I have been....but hello?!?!  That's a lot of change in a short period of time.  And you know I gotta give myself a little credit.  I always thought I was a strong woman...that I could handle anything.  There are times in life when you truly doubt yourself.  When you truly doubt your strength.  But it's there.  And knowing it and feeling it is almost a sigh of relief.

Now that I have some clarity after discovering all of these things, let's go back to when I said there is a positive note to all of this.

Now that I know the source of what I am going through and the feelings that I am feeling, it forces me to address all of these things and focus on a positive release and outcome of all of these things that were bottled up that I didn't even realize were bottled up....because I was essentially just covering them up.

So this is the tricky part and the part that will take time.  And the part that I have to figure out....all-the-while while pregnant, mind you.

I will never doubt the strength and the power of a woman ever again.  As long as I live.  Because we are some forces to be reckoned with, let me tell ya.  But I do know and believe this: God wouldn't give me these things to deal with if He knew I couldn't handle it.  That I truly know.  But I gotta tell ya, God, it sure would be nice to catch a little break for a few...you know...when you think I'm ready.

And Away We Go!

Hello y'all and welcome to my new blog for my pregnancy journey.

I have had many blogs in the past (as well as a current one), but decided I would start one for this specific journey in case anyone out there is curious (and/or bored) and also for something I will have to look back on for years to come.

I will write more later due to time constraints at the moment, but just wanted to get a quick first entry up.

Found out for sure we were having a little bebe on 12/20/15 (even though I knew before the confirmation from just how I felt and the fact I was late starting my monthly period).

This isn't my first - I have a 16 year old daughter, however it's my boyfriend's first and of course, our first (and probably only) together.

Headed to the doc 1/6/16 for confirm and first ultrasound.

I am just today entering day 91 of my pregnancy - week 13 and the start of my 2nd trimester. (thank goodness!!! - I will go into further detail later to explain the Hallelujah moment).  My official due date is 8/19/16.

Genetics testing came back clear last week and we found out we are going to be having a healthy baby BOY!

Here are some pics from today, although technically I am now at 13 weeks, I needed a chance to use my 12 week sticker :)

So we only had told immediate family and some very close circle of friends the great news up until this past weekend, when we announced publically our up-and-coming addition :

'Til next time!